Re-evaluating My Core Values

This article is about re-evaluating my core values. I don't meditate, but I do contemplate, and I think I've reached some conclusions about myself. To be clear, this is something like a journal entry that represents me thinking out loud. Just because I write something does not mean that I believe it. Writing helps me focus on my thoughts, some of which may eventually become beliefs. Some of those beliefs may be temporary and could be overridden by other beliefs eventually. I consider changing perspectives to be important for learning and personal growth processes.

Orignally published to: https://deliverystack.net/2025/11/20/re-evaluating-my-core-values/

I don't think I'm going through a midlife crisis. I think I've done that at least once before. Those experiences were more tumultuous, intense, emotional, and chaotic than my current state feels, and seemed to push me out of control in both manic and depressive phases of what I suspect is my own bipolar disorder. I certainly made mistakes then and hopefully learned some lessons that I can apply now. I also made drastic changes to my life at those times, some for the better, some yet to be evaluated. What I face at the moment feels more intellectual and more like an internal choice rather than external or chronological pressure.

For about a month, I've been on a sort of mental retreat. I had a motorbike accident that has prevented me from walking much. Since then, I haven't really done of anything other than write about my life and consume media including text, video, and music. Compared to the last couple of decades, I hope that I'm now doing better at curating my sources, avoiding time-wasters and rage-baiters, and instead evaluating potentially valuable insights from others with different experiences, knowledge, perspectives, and philosophies. I gravitate towards resources about self-improvement, systems of thought including religion, spirituality, psychology, and logic, as well as current events and technology including artificial intelligence. As I don't have anyone here in Lao with whom I can have conversations in English, I spend most of my time thinking alone.

I've reached the conclusion that I need to reconsider the fundamental values that I have developed throughout my life, to consider which of these are intrinsic or chosen by me and which I've accepted due to pressure from individuals in my life and general elements of society. I'd like to reject some of what I've incorporated to determine my personal values and reset my life direction and priorities.

I'll start with some perspectives that I voice recorded last night before looking into existing theories and such related to values.

First, I want to say that I am not questioning the value of virtues, which I see as a completely separate topic. There are dozens of virtues, and I do not value all of them equally, but I feel that virtues are what separate good people from bad. I think virtues are something that separates humanity from barbarity, cruelty, and sadism. If all human beings would focused more on virtues, the world would be a better place.

Values are different from virtues, and I want to determine what I've been taught to value as opposed to what I might have valued intrinsically or determined to value without social pressure as well as trying to please individuals such as my parents and ex-wife. This relates to something I wrote recently about what it means to be a good person and why this is important to me:

https://deliverystack.net/2025/11/05/good-better-and-best-possible-self/

Separately, I am gathering content specific to virtues for the book that I am trying to write.

Before doing much research on values, here are some speculations about mine.

Children: I guess I was always taught that relationships with children are the most important thing in life. I have to be honest that I never wanted children - partially because I knew I wouldn't be a good father, partially because I was concerned about the direction of the world, partially because I knew I wouldn't like the responsibility and impact on my freedom, and for various other reasons (I will try to write about this at some point). Obviously I love my children and want them to have the best possible futures, but the truth is that without influence on me from their mothers, they would not exist. Over time, I realize that I have little influence on them and cannot control their outcomes, which seems to reduce my sense of responsibility. I grew up without a mother, with a terrible-step mother, and with a largely-absent father. Maybe there was some suffering and bitterness, but by this age of 52, I don't resent any of it - these things forced me to grow up, to become independent and not depend on others, to question authority. I value my children but I do not value the logistical responsibilities of parenting that so many other people seem to enjoy. I have already reduced my involvement with my sons and expect that to continue and expand to my daughter in the coming years. If people want to judge me for that, so be it. I have great relationships with all of my children and will always provide for them and do my best to be available to support them through any difficulties, even if I am not physically present in their lives every day. I have already done so much more for each of my children than my parents ever did for me. It's been very clear since birth that at least my older boy was going to be himself regardless of how we tried to shape him, and my daughter seems to be the same. My middle boy seems more aligned with what we expected from our children, but I don't know that our actions actually shaped that. In some sense I'm probably a bad influence on him because of my own failings. I'm actually concerned that what I consider modern Western over-parenting is somewhat damaging for children. This is exactly what I mean by values instilled by society rather than intrinsic to me. Note that I studied child development and developmental psychology for two years in college, so I'm not just rationalizing laziness or something. I have to credit the daycare and school systems for having a more positive impact on my children than I and my ex-wife ever did. Everyone needs to make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons. I try to tell them about my mistakes and lessons, for example in the book I'm writing, but since they don't experience those things, they don't necessarily learn what I try to teach, and I don't know what they will need to learn from their own experiences and mistakes. The more I try to teach them about my lessons, the more I may be distracting them from the lessons that they actually need to learn. I do what I can for my daughter, but in a given day, that is largely insignificant. To live here, she needs to learn from the Lao culture that does not include me. I work especially on her English, but she enjoys and learns more academically from school than I can teach her. To summarize, I seem to be at a point in my life where I might value freedom over parenting, where at least seem to think that I have infinite obligations to my children. Note that one of the reasons that I write is to benefit my children, so that they may learn something from me, or get to know me better after I'm gone.
Virtues: I'm not sure that I value anything above virtues. That doesn't mean I've always been virtuous, but that I'm always trying to learn and to be more virtuous. Again, this should be a significant section in my book; I don't intend to duplicate any of that here.
Health: I've never valued or managed my health well, and I've certainly reached an age where I need to take steps to improve my overall condition, including not taking as many unnecessary risks with my body.
Material Wealth: I appreciate nice things, but I don't need them and don't want them, as they often turn out to be burdens. I just want to be comfortable. I'd much rather live in a small condo and go to resorts when I want more space. I've learned that it's best to let others be responsible for things like pool maintenance. For me, many such investments don't achieve the desired returns. It's important to balance pleasure against everything else that I value. I actually appreciate nice things more if experience them only intermittently. For me, money allows for things like comfort, confidence, and freedom, which can support but are not the same as happiness.
Freedom: This is probably one of my highest values. I've spent much of my life trapped in things that I didn't want including employment, relationships including marriage, and parenting. Now I just want to spend time on my own interests. For me, freedom includes the ability to travel, so I won't list that as a separate value. I absolutely need to travel, partly to see my children on different continents, but also because I get stir crazy relatively easily and quickly. I always want new experiences, to meet new people, and to absorb new information and perspectives. I never like to feel like a tourist and I don't take photos; I actually like to live places for long periods and try to integrate into unfamiliar cultures.
Purpose: After my career and marriage ended, I spent several years drifting without purpose. My current purpose is writing, which is helping me focus, develop discipline, avoid worse habits, and otherwise define direction for my future.
Intelligence: While I can agree that ignorance is bliss to some extent, I still value intelligence. I really like to participate in conversations from which I can learn, even if we debate and don't agree on everything. Instead of as a separate value, I would include my social life under intelligence, as I don't really want to interact with people from whom I can't learn much. So, I need my friends to be relatively intelligent. I guess the bigger concern is that I don't want to be stupid. I really value the writing process, which helps me to think and focus, as well as to clarify, understand, and solidify my own thoughts, even if nobody ever reads them. Here‘s something that I wrote recently on this topic:
- https://deliverystack.net/2025/11/14/ignorance-and-stupidity/
Peace: I really want greater peace in the world and in my personal life. I've experienced enough stress and anxiety, which may help to explain my lack of desire for parenting. For me, peace is part of nature, and so I value nature as well. I actually don't think that evil can exist without man. I especially enjoy natural environments around large bodies of water such as rivers, lakes, and oceans.
Diversity: I'm really glad that people are not all the same, which I think would be very boring. I try to learn something new from everyone that I meet; their common sense is based on their unique individual experiences, which differ from mine. I also try to make them comfortable in my presence, regardless of any differences between us. I don't mind talking to people that are on the other end of a political spectrum or people that are religious and believe things that I don't. Instead of judging and rejecting, I try to understand them and what made them the way that they are.
Compassion: For me, this may be the most important virtue, which leads to other virtues and includes things like honesty, generosity, empathy, and conscientiousness. I value things that reduce overall suffering for any sentient and feeling creatures on the planet that may have souls, including human beings.

I guess this summary shows that I'm relatively jaded from being very fortunate until this point in my life. I've already had and discarded many of the things that other people want.

Another point is that it's necessary to balance everything in a way that suits the individual instead of focusing too much on a single value.

Here are some things I try not to value:

Ego: I think that ego is dangerous, including the influence of social media on ego. I went through a period where I was somewhat famous in a small technical community. I had thousands of followers before social media was what it is today. I even had fans. Eventually, I realized that trying to be who others (including my family and ex-wife) wanted me to be prevented me from being my true self. Seeking likes and such on social media is certainly damaging for me psychologically. While I enjoy some humorous banter online, I also get tired of it, and I never mean to promote myself. I prefer truly meaningful exchanges, especially in person, preferably a small group such as one or two other people. Sometimes I feel like I'm better off just talking to myself. While I must always consider potential readers, for me, writing is an intensely personal experience.
Life Partner: I spent most of my life with or looking for a life partner, but never found what I wanted or a relationship with a woman that met all of my objectives and didn't actually increase my suffering. Additionally, I found that the wrong partners can distract a person from their own goals. I've realized that a lifelong commitment to a woman is not the right objective for me. I know that I might regret this when I'm old, especially if I need someone to care about me, but I'd rather just drift away than depend on someone for my own happiness. Speaking of which, I don't fear discomfort or death alone; if anything, I fear an empty life.
Worry: Worry is generally a waste of time and energy, as it doesn't change outcomes. Preparation is different. I try to see states like worry as choices rather than something actually imposed on an individual.
Negative Traits: Related to virtues and not wanting to be a good person, I don't want to have personality traits that are off-putting to others. At the same time, I need to be myself; if others object to traits that I value, I choose to maintain those traits.

OK, that's enough for now. Today's stream of consciousness article will mention Schwartz's theory of basic human values.

Here are some general human values that I may want to consider if I ever work on this article again:

Safety & survival -- security, stability, protection from harm.
Belonging & connection -- family, friendship, community, romantic attachment.
Autonomy & agency -- control over one’s life, freedom, choice.
Competence & mastery -- achieving goals, developing skill, feeling capable.
Meaning & purpose -- contributing to something larger, coherence, belief systems.
Fairness & reciprocity -- justice, not being exploited, equitable treatment.
Status & recognition -- respect, prestige, positive reputation.
Comfort & pleasure -- reduced suffering, enjoyable sensations.
Resources -- money, tools, property, time, attention.
Growth -- learning, exploration, novelty, self-improvement.
Aesthetics -- beauty, art, harmony, elegance.
Collectivist cultures elevate belonging, duty, harmony.
Individualist cultures elevate autonomy, personal achievement, authenticity.
Honor cultures emphasize reputation and retribution.
Liberal/pluralist cultures emphasize rights, self-expression, tolerance.

Here are some points on how values can change over time:

Youth: novelty, status, autonomy.
Mid-life: stability, family, legacy.
Old age: meaning, relationships, integrity, peace.

Environmental conditions can influence values. In times of Scarcity, survival values dominate. In times of Prosperity, self-actualization values can rise. In times of Crisis, security and solidarity may become central.